I possess 24 years of life experience (excuse me if it is too bold a statement); 20 of those – as soon as I exited from my infancy and a very early childhood - I lived in fear.
The fear came in different disguises; it left the same impact, however. The fear turned me into a person who’d always found it comfortable to hide her feelings, to behave bravely and nonchalantly, to be seemingly strong. It robbed me of more than I could imagine. I was its servant, a loyal valet, if you like.
Now, there were many people I might have inadvertently hurt.
There is one person I kept hurting for years. And that would be my father.
Our relationship was always based on superiority: I’d never admit I love him unconditionally, neither would he. It was a battle of two narrow-minded egos.
Of course I wouldn’t be writing this now if I did not have something up my sleeve. Here it goes… My Dear, Dear Readers, let me share my bottomless happiness with you, on which I shall elaborate a moment later.
Recently, I’ve been seeing this buddy, my Fear, face-to-face. I looked it in its rigid eyes; shivered with resistance; kept attending to its concerns and needs; listened; and finally accepted. Being recognized and not avoided, Fear, in its turn, surrendered.
Thus, today I woke up to an unconditional wish to tell my father I love him. Being thousands of miles apart from my parents does not make it easier, especially when this subtle pulse might again be taken hostage by the ego.
Again feared? Nuh!
Again feared? Nuh!
So I made a call; and told my father what I should have told him years back, frequently and often.
I told him that I love him. No why’s, no what-if’s.
I simply love. Him. Unconditionally.
And you know what; my father told me the same. For the first time. In my life. Right away, I felt like eating a macaron* (ok, three macarons; on a crispy Monday morning, if at that); I believe you are with me on this one, please.
This is, Guys, something to celebrate.
*Tune your spirits up to a delicate macaron treat (among many others, hence the place name) and go to:
*Tune your spirits up to a delicate macaron treat (among many others, hence the place name) and go to:
Unlimited Delicious (for some reason, the site’s English version, although suggested, is not available), Haarlemmerstraat 122, Amsterdam
UPDATE: Can't help but sharing with you this image I literally 'caught'; when silence fell...
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2 comments:
Anya, your post brought tears to my eyes. You're a beautiful spirit - honest and brave. Yes, fear follows us like a puppy dog, only it takes years to realize that it's only a puppy dog and not a monster.
And taking steps to resolve your relationship with your father while he's still alive is something that will nourish you for the rest of your life.
And macaroons aren't bad, either! ;-)
Beautiful post. It was F.D. Roosevelt who first said there is nothing to fear except fear itself.
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